A rock and a hard place and mother's day

What the fuck does the saying "caught between a rock and a hard place" mean?

The term "hard place" is ridiculously vague. There are many "hard places" in the world today. A rock itself is definitely a hard place. Essentially, one who is caught in between a rock and a hard place could theoretically be caught in between a hard place and another hard place or a rock and another rock. WTF?

For me, the only thing that can be completely derived from this statement is that being between a rock and a hard place isn't a pleasant location to reside.

As of late, I feel like I've been caught in between a rock and a hard place. The catch is that I don't necessarily mind. Through my very vague explanation I cannot expect that you would understand the gravity of the situation, but it can be summed up in a very cliche way. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. This theme is something that holds true for the majority of life's events. Coming to understand this is part of maturing and living life as an adult. I, however, feel like I haven't come to terms with this truth and it bothers me that I can't accept it.

On a less metaphoric note, I've picked up a very bad habit, smoking cigarettes. What is ironic for me is that I lived the majority of my life despising those who smoke cigarettes. My father is an avid smoker consuming almost two packs a day. I hate the fact that he smokes and it bothers me that he has developed such an intense dependency for them. More compelling is the fact that I feel like a hypocrite. I've professed my disdain for this in so many ways for so long and now, here I am making the same mistake.

The prior paragraph, though true in context is really a segway for a more pressing thought that has infiltrated my head.

This last Thursday, the 8th of May is my mom's death anniversary. It has now been more than 12 years since her passing. She too was a chronic smoker and I feel that this has contributed to my now double-standard position on cigarettes. She passed away in 1996 from a metastatic cancer that ended up in her liver, lymph nodes and melanin. Her initial evaluation was a misdiagnoses for hemorrhoids and when she finally approached a specialist for a second opinion, she was already stage IV, meaning that the cancer had spread and even the most extensive and advanced treatment could not save her life.

Today, being Mother's day, is a very significant and melancholy time for me. For years, I've almost avoided talking, thinking and processing the harsh reality that I grew up without a mother. The years of practice have taught me to ignore and suppress these feeling subconsciously (whether this is good or bad is debatable). In my opinion, doing so has helped me to ease the pain of her death and has made living without her easier

I can say that right now, I miss my mom more than ever. The catalyst to these strong emotions was a video on youtube.com posted by one of my favorite singer/songwriters about his mom. Though the lyrics and overall message do not address my situation entirely, I can't help but miss the woman who left this world at such a young age.

My advice to those people whose mothers are still in their life is this: don't ever take them for granted, let them know how much you truly appreciate what they have done for you and lastly let them know that you love them. If I could go back to the foot of her hospital bed I would do exactly this. (Though this may sound over-dramatic or look like a call for attention I ask you to consider what you would write if you spent the last 12 years of your life without your mom. I'm sure our words and thoughts would be very similar)

Check out the video:




Rest in Peace Mom
Priscilla "Honey" Malgapo-Rastrullo
August 8, 1957 - May 8, 1996


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If you're listening, I miss you and I can't even begin to tell you how hard these last 12 years have been. I hope you're proud of your sons and what they've done. I think about what I would be like if you were still here; if I would be the same person or have different qualities. I know that God has a greater plan for all of us, but I wish that he didn't have to take you so soon.

"We love you very much"