I want you more than anything ever.
That saying you never really know what you're missing until you don't have it is soooo true.
I wish we could go back to the way things were.
I love you and you will always be my L.B.
- Jean Paul
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
Anxiety
The word anxiety is defined as:
"an unpleasant, emotional state that involves a complex combination of emotions that include fear, apprehension, and worry, resulting from the anticipation of a threatening or negative event or situation"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I'm all alone this weekend. I live in a fraternity house with twelve of my fraternity brothers and all but one of them is away. The majority of people are attending a retreat in Tahoe where as some have gone home for the long weekend.
I wanted to go home this weekend, but I decided to stay because I hate going home, for the most part. It's Memorial Day weekend and I had planned to attend the retreat I previously mentioned, but things changed and I ended up not going because of work.
My cousin from Arizona is coming home this weekend and I feel guilty for not being able to make it home. I haven't seen him in the longest time and I'm not taking advantage of my opportunities.
It's amazing to think about how much we've grown in the past ten years. I remember it like it was yesterday that we spent countless hours together. Whether it be camping, sitting or playing video games all day, I can remember spending most of my Summer and breaks this way. I miss it a lot.
I think what saddens me most about this situation is I know that it will probably never be like this again. The sheer fact that we're older is the debilitating factor. We're not kids anymore and spending nights in my cousin's bedroom is something the we're not going to do. It sucks to know that things aren't going to be this way again and in a lot of ways, I wish I could go back to it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
In summary, I miss my family on so many different levels. I wish that I could go back to the way things were; go back to the times where I didn't have a care and in the world. I want to be in the place where I could spend my whole afternoon playing spoons and cards and not have to worry about school or work. When it comes down to it, I miss being home. I miss being with my family.
I'm anxious. Its an interesting set of emotions because the feelings are based on speculation and uncertainty. The word "anticipation" does justice to the way I'm feeling in that there is something happening which is giving me this anxiety. I am "anticipating" the outcome.
If things don't go my way I don't know what I'm gonna do.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Have you ever heard the story "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"? Let it be known that if you have been crying wolf, your credibility has gone out the window.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A friend of mine has been showing me some new music lately and I like it a lot. Here is a song from one of the artists she recommended. It's performed by one of my favorite singer/songwriters: Stu From Sweden
"an unpleasant, emotional state that involves a complex combination of emotions that include fear, apprehension, and worry, resulting from the anticipation of a threatening or negative event or situation"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I'm all alone this weekend. I live in a fraternity house with twelve of my fraternity brothers and all but one of them is away. The majority of people are attending a retreat in Tahoe where as some have gone home for the long weekend.
I wanted to go home this weekend, but I decided to stay because I hate going home, for the most part. It's Memorial Day weekend and I had planned to attend the retreat I previously mentioned, but things changed and I ended up not going because of work.
My cousin from Arizona is coming home this weekend and I feel guilty for not being able to make it home. I haven't seen him in the longest time and I'm not taking advantage of my opportunities.
It's amazing to think about how much we've grown in the past ten years. I remember it like it was yesterday that we spent countless hours together. Whether it be camping, sitting or playing video games all day, I can remember spending most of my Summer and breaks this way. I miss it a lot.
I think what saddens me most about this situation is I know that it will probably never be like this again. The sheer fact that we're older is the debilitating factor. We're not kids anymore and spending nights in my cousin's bedroom is something the we're not going to do. It sucks to know that things aren't going to be this way again and in a lot of ways, I wish I could go back to it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
In summary, I miss my family on so many different levels. I wish that I could go back to the way things were; go back to the times where I didn't have a care and in the world. I want to be in the place where I could spend my whole afternoon playing spoons and cards and not have to worry about school or work. When it comes down to it, I miss being home. I miss being with my family.
I'm anxious. Its an interesting set of emotions because the feelings are based on speculation and uncertainty. The word "anticipation" does justice to the way I'm feeling in that there is something happening which is giving me this anxiety. I am "anticipating" the outcome.
If things don't go my way I don't know what I'm gonna do.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Have you ever heard the story "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"? Let it be known that if you have been crying wolf, your credibility has gone out the window.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A friend of mine has been showing me some new music lately and I like it a lot. Here is a song from one of the artists she recommended. It's performed by one of my favorite singer/songwriters: Stu From Sweden
Friday, May 16, 2008
Words of the Day
I've been trying to expand my vocabulary and I signed up for dictionary.com's word of the day. Essentially, they e-mail you a different word every day and the challenge is to use it as many times as you can. I haven't been doing a very good job.
Today's word:
I have XPO formal and I'm pretty excited about it.
I'm going to go to breakfast with my date, catch a movie and then head out. I feel like I've been spending too much money as of late, but I think it'll be worth it.
Till next time..
Today's word:
subfusc \sub-FUHSK\, adjective:
Dark or dull in color; drab, dusky.
Yesterday's word:
paean \PEE-uhn\, noun:
1. A joyous song of praise, triumph, or thanksgiving.
2. An expression of praise or joy.
I have XPO formal and I'm pretty excited about it.
I'm going to go to breakfast with my date, catch a movie and then head out. I feel like I've been spending too much money as of late, but I think it'll be worth it.
Till next time..
Saturday, May 10, 2008
A rock and a hard place and mother's day
What the fuck does the saying "caught between a rock and a hard place" mean?
The term "hard place" is ridiculously vague. There are many "hard places" in the world today. A rock itself is definitely a hard place. Essentially, one who is caught in between a rock and a hard place could theoretically be caught in between a hard place and another hard place or a rock and another rock. WTF?
For me, the only thing that can be completely derived from this statement is that being between a rock and a hard place isn't a pleasant location to reside.
As of late, I feel like I've been caught in between a rock and a hard place. The catch is that I don't necessarily mind. Through my very vague explanation I cannot expect that you would understand the gravity of the situation, but it can be summed up in a very cliche way. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. This theme is something that holds true for the majority of life's events. Coming to understand this is part of maturing and living life as an adult. I, however, feel like I haven't come to terms with this truth and it bothers me that I can't accept it.
On a less metaphoric note, I've picked up a very bad habit, smoking cigarettes. What is ironic for me is that I lived the majority of my life despising those who smoke cigarettes. My father is an avid smoker consuming almost two packs a day. I hate the fact that he smokes and it bothers me that he has developed such an intense dependency for them. More compelling is the fact that I feel like a hypocrite. I've professed my disdain for this in so many ways for so long and now, here I am making the same mistake.
The prior paragraph, though true in context is really a segway for a more pressing thought that has infiltrated my head.
This last Thursday, the 8th of May is my mom's death anniversary. It has now been more than 12 years since her passing. She too was a chronic smoker and I feel that this has contributed to my now double-standard position on cigarettes. She passed away in 1996 from a metastatic cancer that ended up in her liver, lymph nodes and melanin. Her initial evaluation was a misdiagnoses for hemorrhoids and when she finally approached a specialist for a second opinion, she was already stage IV, meaning that the cancer had spread and even the most extensive and advanced treatment could not save her life.
Today, being Mother's day, is a very significant and melancholy time for me. For years, I've almost avoided talking, thinking and processing the harsh reality that I grew up without a mother. The years of practice have taught me to ignore and suppress these feeling subconsciously (whether this is good or bad is debatable). In my opinion, doing so has helped me to ease the pain of her death and has made living without her easier
I can say that right now, I miss my mom more than ever. The catalyst to these strong emotions was a video on youtube.com posted by one of my favorite singer/songwriters about his mom. Though the lyrics and overall message do not address my situation entirely, I can't help but miss the woman who left this world at such a young age.
My advice to those people whose mothers are still in their life is this: don't ever take them for granted, let them know how much you truly appreciate what they have done for you and lastly let them know that you love them. If I could go back to the foot of her hospital bed I would do exactly this. (Though this may sound over-dramatic or look like a call for attention I ask you to consider what you would write if you spent the last 12 years of your life without your mom. I'm sure our words and thoughts would be very similar)
Check out the video:
Rest in Peace Mom
Priscilla "Honey" Malgapo-Rastrullo
August 8, 1957 - May 8, 1996
- - - - -
If you're listening, I miss you and I can't even begin to tell you how hard these last 12 years have been. I hope you're proud of your sons and what they've done. I think about what I would be like if you were still here; if I would be the same person or have different qualities. I know that God has a greater plan for all of us, but I wish that he didn't have to take you so soon.
"We love you very much"
The term "hard place" is ridiculously vague. There are many "hard places" in the world today. A rock itself is definitely a hard place. Essentially, one who is caught in between a rock and a hard place could theoretically be caught in between a hard place and another hard place or a rock and another rock. WTF?
For me, the only thing that can be completely derived from this statement is that being between a rock and a hard place isn't a pleasant location to reside.
As of late, I feel like I've been caught in between a rock and a hard place. The catch is that I don't necessarily mind. Through my very vague explanation I cannot expect that you would understand the gravity of the situation, but it can be summed up in a very cliche way. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. This theme is something that holds true for the majority of life's events. Coming to understand this is part of maturing and living life as an adult. I, however, feel like I haven't come to terms with this truth and it bothers me that I can't accept it.
On a less metaphoric note, I've picked up a very bad habit, smoking cigarettes. What is ironic for me is that I lived the majority of my life despising those who smoke cigarettes. My father is an avid smoker consuming almost two packs a day. I hate the fact that he smokes and it bothers me that he has developed such an intense dependency for them. More compelling is the fact that I feel like a hypocrite. I've professed my disdain for this in so many ways for so long and now, here I am making the same mistake.
The prior paragraph, though true in context is really a segway for a more pressing thought that has infiltrated my head.
This last Thursday, the 8th of May is my mom's death anniversary. It has now been more than 12 years since her passing. She too was a chronic smoker and I feel that this has contributed to my now double-standard position on cigarettes. She passed away in 1996 from a metastatic cancer that ended up in her liver, lymph nodes and melanin. Her initial evaluation was a misdiagnoses for hemorrhoids and when she finally approached a specialist for a second opinion, she was already stage IV, meaning that the cancer had spread and even the most extensive and advanced treatment could not save her life.
Today, being Mother's day, is a very significant and melancholy time for me. For years, I've almost avoided talking, thinking and processing the harsh reality that I grew up without a mother. The years of practice have taught me to ignore and suppress these feeling subconsciously (whether this is good or bad is debatable). In my opinion, doing so has helped me to ease the pain of her death and has made living without her easier
I can say that right now, I miss my mom more than ever. The catalyst to these strong emotions was a video on youtube.com posted by one of my favorite singer/songwriters about his mom. Though the lyrics and overall message do not address my situation entirely, I can't help but miss the woman who left this world at such a young age.
My advice to those people whose mothers are still in their life is this: don't ever take them for granted, let them know how much you truly appreciate what they have done for you and lastly let them know that you love them. If I could go back to the foot of her hospital bed I would do exactly this. (Though this may sound over-dramatic or look like a call for attention I ask you to consider what you would write if you spent the last 12 years of your life without your mom. I'm sure our words and thoughts would be very similar)
Check out the video:
Rest in Peace Mom
Priscilla "Honey" Malgapo-Rastrullo
August 8, 1957 - May 8, 1996
- - - - -
If you're listening, I miss you and I can't even begin to tell you how hard these last 12 years have been. I hope you're proud of your sons and what they've done. I think about what I would be like if you were still here; if I would be the same person or have different qualities. I know that God has a greater plan for all of us, but I wish that he didn't have to take you so soon.
"We love you very much"
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Butterflies
As cliche as is it may sound, the only word I can use to describe what I'm feeling is butterflies.
Take that as you will.
Take that as you will.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
No homo
Have you ever felt like there is too much on your plate?
I completely fucked myself for tomorrow, no homo.
A co-worker of mine called me today and asked me to cover her shift for tomorrow. She told me it was from 8-10. I thought: "Hey, i'm not doing anything tomorrow night so why the fuck not?". To my surprise, he shift was actually 8:00AM-10:00AM.
Here's the kicker. I'm going to a concert tonight and then afterward I'm gonna drive to the city to pick up my car. I would be spending the night there and leaving the next morning for school. Now that I have work, I have to leave the city HELLA early, drive thru traffic and then go to work?! This sucks.
I want to write more, but I'm so tired.
Check this out. Till next time.
I completely fucked myself for tomorrow, no homo.
A co-worker of mine called me today and asked me to cover her shift for tomorrow. She told me it was from 8-10. I thought: "Hey, i'm not doing anything tomorrow night so why the fuck not?". To my surprise, he shift was actually 8:00AM-10:00AM.
Here's the kicker. I'm going to a concert tonight and then afterward I'm gonna drive to the city to pick up my car. I would be spending the night there and leaving the next morning for school. Now that I have work, I have to leave the city HELLA early, drive thru traffic and then go to work?! This sucks.
I want to write more, but I'm so tired.
Check this out. Till next time.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
The best April fool's day joke
Today is April 1. This date, for whatever reason, is synonymous with pranks and practical jokes. Last night I had one of the worst jokes played on me.
I was high. If you've ever had a chance to partake in smoking marijuana, you know that the three preliminary side effects are being "hungry, happy and sleepy". However, an aspect of smoking that almost always goes unnoticed is the fact that marijuana can make the user very PARANOID!
So to continue, I was high as FUCK. Around 1:30Am, as I am enjoying the company of my brothers and their pledge sisters, I receive a phone call.
"247 Paul Schindler" is what my phone reads.
Like a true high guy, I pause and ponder why he could be calling. I had seen him earlier that night and saw him before he left for his girlfriend's place. I picked up the phone and heard this...
"JP, are you alone!? Go to your room or somewhere no one will be able to hear me."
His voice was urgent. There are times when people who talk giveaway their emotions through their speech or body language. This was one of those times. By the way his voice sounded, I could tell that he was distraught and manic. He sounded almost scared, but of this I wasn't sure.
During the short sprint to my bedroom, I tried to ponder the possible reasons for his distressed call. Meanwhile, those brothers and friends who I had been kickin' it with prior saw me run out of the room frantic and concerned so that they too became concerned. I locked my door and prepared myself for what proved to be mind blowing news.
"I just left Jackie's (his girlfriend's) house. She told me that she is four months pregnant..."
OH MY GOD, WTF!?!?
I didn't know what to say. It sounded like he was sobbing and was confused. Keep in mind that all this time, I am high as a kite. I am ridiculously paranoid and have to comfort my bro in some way as he's still on the phone. I ask him where he is, but he just rambles and says that he's walking around somewhere.
My words are flying out at 100mph and I'm probably slurring some of them. I still can't think of anything to say.
To make this a little more understandable, you must first know the circumstances. Paul is a graduating senior. He was recently admitted into graduate school and works for a program called Upward Bound where he mentors high school students. He has his whole life ahead of him and now possibly a kid too?
My head is spinning. I feel like I'm gonna cry along with him, but I want to find out if he's okay first.
"Paul, listen to me. Where exactly are you?"
No answer. I worry more, but hear an unsettling chattering in the background which turns into laughter; hysterical and relentless laughter.
"I had to get you," he said. " Jackie's here too." - "Sorry JP!" (Jackie's voice)
I forgot completely about April fool's day. There are some jokes that people play which end up being forgotten, but I don't think I'll ever forget this one.
I can still feel my heart pounding in my chest and the sweat running down my forehead. If you're reading this, FUCK YOU PAUL AND JACKIE!!
I was high. If you've ever had a chance to partake in smoking marijuana, you know that the three preliminary side effects are being "hungry, happy and sleepy". However, an aspect of smoking that almost always goes unnoticed is the fact that marijuana can make the user very PARANOID!
So to continue, I was high as FUCK. Around 1:30Am, as I am enjoying the company of my brothers and their pledge sisters, I receive a phone call.
"247 Paul Schindler" is what my phone reads.
Like a true high guy, I pause and ponder why he could be calling. I had seen him earlier that night and saw him before he left for his girlfriend's place. I picked up the phone and heard this...
"JP, are you alone!? Go to your room or somewhere no one will be able to hear me."
His voice was urgent. There are times when people who talk giveaway their emotions through their speech or body language. This was one of those times. By the way his voice sounded, I could tell that he was distraught and manic. He sounded almost scared, but of this I wasn't sure.
During the short sprint to my bedroom, I tried to ponder the possible reasons for his distressed call. Meanwhile, those brothers and friends who I had been kickin' it with prior saw me run out of the room frantic and concerned so that they too became concerned. I locked my door and prepared myself for what proved to be mind blowing news.
"I just left Jackie's (his girlfriend's) house. She told me that she is four months pregnant..."
OH MY GOD, WTF!?!?
I didn't know what to say. It sounded like he was sobbing and was confused. Keep in mind that all this time, I am high as a kite. I am ridiculously paranoid and have to comfort my bro in some way as he's still on the phone. I ask him where he is, but he just rambles and says that he's walking around somewhere.
My words are flying out at 100mph and I'm probably slurring some of them. I still can't think of anything to say.
To make this a little more understandable, you must first know the circumstances. Paul is a graduating senior. He was recently admitted into graduate school and works for a program called Upward Bound where he mentors high school students. He has his whole life ahead of him and now possibly a kid too?
My head is spinning. I feel like I'm gonna cry along with him, but I want to find out if he's okay first.
"Paul, listen to me. Where exactly are you?"
No answer. I worry more, but hear an unsettling chattering in the background which turns into laughter; hysterical and relentless laughter.
"I had to get you," he said. " Jackie's here too." - "Sorry JP!" (Jackie's voice)
I forgot completely about April fool's day. There are some jokes that people play which end up being forgotten, but I don't think I'll ever forget this one.
I can still feel my heart pounding in my chest and the sweat running down my forehead. If you're reading this, FUCK YOU PAUL AND JACKIE!!
Friday, March 28, 2008
Defeated
One of the worst feelings a man could have is that of defeat. This is especially true in cases where the defeated party has exerted a significant amount of effort and has still lost. He who has lost, is a loser.
Life is full of contests and competitions. There are countless situations where you're will and skill are tested. If ample preparation is done, these challenges that life throws at you are more manageable. However, I've come to understand that no matter how much one prepares, some challenges are not meant to be won.
Congratulations to the winners.
- - - - - - -
Okay, enough metaphorical shit.
So, I went crabbing last night on San Francisco's Pier 7 (not Pier 5 as I was told). It was my first time, but I prepared myself by wearing 3 layers, gloves and a beanie. We took a lot of pictures, so when someone puts them up, I'll make sure to post them.
I had a long talk with someone who's opinion I highly respect. He's almost like a father to me, if you will. It's amazing how much weight someone's words can carry. The sad part is that his words of wisdom, though true and excellent pieces of advice, were not the ones I wanted to hear. However, in the words of another brother, I need to 'man the fuck up".
Off topic, I will have my car back sometime next week. I know I've been saying that for 3 weeks now, but the parts for my father's car were ordered and the shop will be working on them shortly.
- - - - - - -
I usually leave a video relating to what I've been doing or something I saw the day of writing my BLOG. I'm feeling kind of emo so I guess I'll post one that cheered me up.
Cheer me up :[
Life is full of contests and competitions. There are countless situations where you're will and skill are tested. If ample preparation is done, these challenges that life throws at you are more manageable. However, I've come to understand that no matter how much one prepares, some challenges are not meant to be won.
Congratulations to the winners.
- - - - - - -
Okay, enough metaphorical shit.
So, I went crabbing last night on San Francisco's Pier 7 (not Pier 5 as I was told). It was my first time, but I prepared myself by wearing 3 layers, gloves and a beanie. We took a lot of pictures, so when someone puts them up, I'll make sure to post them.
I had a long talk with someone who's opinion I highly respect. He's almost like a father to me, if you will. It's amazing how much weight someone's words can carry. The sad part is that his words of wisdom, though true and excellent pieces of advice, were not the ones I wanted to hear. However, in the words of another brother, I need to 'man the fuck up".
Off topic, I will have my car back sometime next week. I know I've been saying that for 3 weeks now, but the parts for my father's car were ordered and the shop will be working on them shortly.
- - - - - - -
I usually leave a video relating to what I've been doing or something I saw the day of writing my BLOG. I'm feeling kind of emo so I guess I'll post one that cheered me up.
Cheer me up :[
Thursday, March 27, 2008
You don't know what you have until its gone..
I spent the last four weeks of my life without my car.
I can personally testify on behalf of the cliche "you don't know what you have till its gone". Once my car is returned to me, I'm going to clean it from top to bottom. I vow to vacuum the interior, wash the exterior, clean the panels, clean the windows and shampoo the floor mats. I am even including cleaning the rims, which by the way is the most tedious job of all car cleaning tasks. To summarize, I WANT MY FUCKING CAR BACK!
I've spent my last few days watching videos on YouTube and other such sources. Also, if you're unfamiliar with the Firefox add-on StumbleUpon, I highly suggest that you download it. Stumble, as it is referred to in social circles, is a program that takes the user to a randomly selected site that matches interests that are preselected. You can find Stumble here http://www.stumbleupon.com
Here's something that I StumbledUpon a while back.
Someone save me from boredom!!
I can personally testify on behalf of the cliche "you don't know what you have till its gone". Once my car is returned to me, I'm going to clean it from top to bottom. I vow to vacuum the interior, wash the exterior, clean the panels, clean the windows and shampoo the floor mats. I am even including cleaning the rims, which by the way is the most tedious job of all car cleaning tasks. To summarize, I WANT MY FUCKING CAR BACK!
I've spent my last few days watching videos on YouTube and other such sources. Also, if you're unfamiliar with the Firefox add-on StumbleUpon, I highly suggest that you download it. Stumble, as it is referred to in social circles, is a program that takes the user to a randomly selected site that matches interests that are preselected. You can find Stumble here http://www.stumbleupon.com
Here's something that I StumbledUpon a while back.
Someone save me from boredom!!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
A new blog and "Spring Break"
www.nowweretalking.com define blogs in this way:
"A blog (short for weblog) is an online journal or diary of an individual’s opinions and latest news that is updated regularly, in chronological order"
I've never really used one of these, nor have I kept a consistent journal. With that being said, be patient and I'll do my best to post often.
I was wasting time on the internet yesterday and came across this video. This guy is great and hes a Filipino from my hometown of South San Francisco.
This video has been the highlight of my spring break. Someone, please save me. I WANT TO GO BACK TO DAVIS!!
"A blog (short for weblog) is an online journal or diary of an individual’s opinions and latest news that is updated regularly, in chronological order"
I've never really used one of these, nor have I kept a consistent journal. With that being said, be patient and I'll do my best to post often.
I was wasting time on the internet yesterday and came across this video. This guy is great and hes a Filipino from my hometown of South San Francisco.
This video has been the highlight of my spring break. Someone, please save me. I WANT TO GO BACK TO DAVIS!!
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